Tragic moments & Tough love life

Throughout my entire life I've been here its clear that there's something that's been really difficult for me. It's a four letter word: L O V E. Something I will revisit time and time again its true for me one of the toughest experiences I've had and still have a hard time is love and my early experiences weren't particularly the best. During my years in elementary there was a particular year were love felt a bit out of earth. It's that feeling when you look at someone and you can't take your eyes off them. It happened to me multiple times. During elementary I used to be part of a program where I saw this blonde girl with glasses that no matter what I did my eyes for her wouldn't get tired. I was extremely shy and did not want to get close to her whatsoever because I always felt like I was going to be humiliated for it

After time passed I ended up not initiating this conversation and ended up getting through the years. A girl showed up in 6th grade that was just my age and grade and I also ended up developing an attraction for her. In person I never truly ended up having a natural conversation with her and time ended up passing until middle school. Social Media and phones were kind of new and she was part of it so I ended up befriending her and sending her messages at first it was all friendly we had a bit of talk and everything seemed normal until one day. I ended up having a conversation that changed everything entirely I ended up saying I loved her to her it seemed so wrong. She even ended up saying Eww to me totally disgusted at my act. I felt so bad after wards but she just didn't want much to do with me. So I ended up being so broken and unhealed to the point I ended up repeating a mistake like that with another friend of mine except I decided to not talk to her and thanks to that I guess she might have ended up meeting with the first girl i was crushing on after that it hasn't been nice I ended up being more hurt and more broken everything really did break for me afterwards but I had changed so much and was shying too much it became an entire mess for my life. Even after middle school.

When I entered high school I used to hide from them or keep an eye out from distance because I always seemed genuinely interested on the conversations she was having with her friends but because I wasn't close enough I'm not sure if she had been talking about. Regardless the case months later I had crushed on someone else I met in elementary but that relationship died on me as well. As I had lost communication with her and by the time I responded I was too late almost sending apologies. That was the second heartbreak worsening the symptoms I had from my first heartbreak. After that there's been a lot of potential relationships but I just couldn't click with anyone in high school as I was left to think about the ones I had already lost until 11th grade. A really cute filipino girl came by and so I was really feeling a lot of emotions and for the most part my emotions didn't get much in the way until a certain point it. One future day I decided to go visit Disneyland and I had gone with my sister. I ended up buying a card for my English teacher since I knew he liked Star Wars. Besides that I also wanted to give something to my crush which the idea of making a letter came up, and with prom coming by I actually thought of making a letter for her I ended up doing just that. There was also that part of pressure that I had to talk to her in person I just couldn't bring myself to do that since I was to shy to speak to her in person and was afraid of being judged by her friends or feeling like I might get told something. I had made an unfinished drawing of her and told her everything I remember that after time had passed I actually had lost a lot of weight and felt pretty healthy. But none of that lasted at all my hopes were extremely crushed it was all turned into dust she not only felt uncomfortable with me. but she blocked me and gave me back the letter but it was just the Starbucks gift card. I don't think I ever received back my letter. Right now her situation is very interesting as I really don't know if there is someone that's keeping eye on me based on events that had transpired. Out of every friend I asked who has been my biggest crush everyone that I know has said it's her. After that I have felt so lost and hopeless and to make it even worse events turned more dark over time as things reached to the period of Coronavirus now schools were shut, everybody got sent home and after a while even my friend got sent to the military. After a while that year I ended up joining my first job at a warehouse facility I ended up finding more crushes on people where I haven't been able to do much. After a while I was actually hit up by a random girl that ended up having a crush on me but I had to let her out of that love as I felt asphyxiated. It only happened just for a single day. I ended up breaking her heart that same day and I only ended up with a bigger amount of darkness. There's been moments where I met a lot of potential people but things never managed to be realized. Until a Different period happened. Love really felt complicated not only for me but I could see it in my friends too and sometimes I had wish things turned out great with my first meets. That girl that was crushing on me turns out knew one of the people I hanged out with. A really bad relationship I have with that guy knowing how much he is abusive of taking and did some unforgivable things not just to me but to my friends. A new era had just begun after several jobs and moments of dropping from college. I had begun a job a thrift store and finally things were very different for me life felt completely different. When I had first gone in to the program I met an interesting girl on my first day she seemed like a really nice individual and I actually formed a genuine connection for the first couple of weeks however the drama queen guy that I was talking about ended up knowing that I liked that girl and he decided to make moves on her. I ended up being extremely hurt and I was trying to talk bad about him. Of course, I don't know if that girl cared or not at the end but he ended up getting closer to her and giving her rides and being in the same car in the mornings I just wanted to let things by. I always made some type of effort to be show how much I cared about her. However, things didn't pan out too well with her. I ended up feeling very miserable not just with her but any potential people I had met in the future at times I feel like they were down talked too and felt like I couldn't do much. Afterwards, I have gone through a lower moment I ended up leaving college and just wanted to move out at one point which never ended up happening. At this point I had got a job at a dinner and I ended up liking someone in there too who turned out to become a really nice friend and at first I held a lot of emotion for her but she didn't feel the same way so. Even in the trolley or when we travelled I remember a few nice compliments. However that time was also shortlived and also I felt into a pattern of drinking to try to forget all of this at times I even wanted to be dead. I really felt more miserable than id be in my entire life. After that I ended up learning of a girl in a warehouse job She really caught my attention as her smell was really strong I was going fast through the halls and her scent really caught my attention I thought maybe I could stand a chance. I ended up messing my chances with her too because I ended up telling my friends about it the biggest mistake ever. When I tried making attempt to talk to her it ended coming out awkward and I became a little more crazy and at one time really she couldn't escape my mind. At this point I decided to buy a van and I thought it would be be nice trying to be a nomad for a while it worked until it didn't I faced a lot of challenges and to top it off I made efforts to reach out to her and I ended up befriending her for a bit I still remember what kind of snacks she likes and little moments we had it really was special to me because it feels so vividly. I remember promptly breaking the fourth wall for a moment since I knew pretty that some things feel like repetition. I guess at the moment my mind was in space. Nevertheless she also ended up not being interested in me and she never told me in person just through text and I did get a little mad since I had made some moves to try to reach out to her in some ways I didn't think were possible.

Some days I would come in more nicer and mysterious I tried to be for a minute and I also ended up knowing the type of activities that were hidden from me. I just ended up having enough of it and finally broke. Before I even reached that point a moment ended up happening where I told her how I truly felt she wished me luck but here I am now making a blog where I feel like an absolute failure even now I feel very disrespected knowing that I feel like I can't forge a true relationship and feel like I can't advance. It makes me feel the absolute worst.

Part of me has kind of given up or no longer expect relationships and it feels almost like a trauma left from all the bad experience I even tried dating apps only to have hopes that lead you nowhere and even had moments where I truly tried suffocating myself it was real harshness I couldn't have feelings. and sometimes I want to cry thinking about the hope there is for me. Not a dream but a nightmare. Sometimes I even blame myself for some of the decisions that have happened.

Now I feel like women aren't even interested so I just let it go. There really is no point for me to keep chasing love. I'm fed up and might as well die before it. Even in an eternal cycle of pain ill take the way I feel because I know my outcomes and failures and at the end you know what I'll always have dreams as long as I suffer. But I don't know the reality of what can really happen I guess there's really a lot we truly don't know. I think knowing all of this at least for me I can live with a different type of life more self aware. Something quite unique and you know I truly don't know romance because that I haven't found I've only found pleasures but not romance. So I guess now its time to just become something else. What will tomorrow have in store? this is just one of many life experiences